Ann Is A Man

I Have Five Arms

annman — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:24:33 +0000

If I told you over the phone that I have five arms then you wouldn’t believe me. I would need to prove it to you. Well, I wouldn’t actually. At least I wouldn’t have to prove I have FIVE arms. I would only need to prove that I have THREE arms. Cos if I proved that I had three arms then your mind would be blown away and you wouldn’t need to see the other two. If I could prove to you that I had just one extra arm then I could lie to you that I had a million arms and you would believe me because you would now know that any number of arms is possible. Proving the existence of one extra arm would change your whole outlook on life arm-wise.

Steal All The Wheels

annman — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 05:48:10 +0000

If all the world’s wheels were stolen one night then all the car engines on the planet would be useless and the value of oil would be next to nothing. The oil companies would have to pretend that oil was good for other things too, like pouring over a cake or wearing in your hair. We would not believe that it would be nice on cake though and then we would have the power. Steal all the wheels and change the world.

Relationship Advice

annman — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 22:49:05 +0000

If you secretly catch your boyfriend’s father going into your purse and stealing chocolate out of it don’t tell your boyfriend because this will lead to an incident where an actual flaming, burning piece of wood is being waved around in front of your face and a whole family are calling you a “fucking lying papist whore” even though you are not actually a Catholic or a hooker.

Staring At A Stick

annman — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 20:50:05 +0000

I stared at a stick for so long that it started to freak me out. Try it. Try looking at a stick for a full hour without looking away and see if you still think you’re looking at a stick by the end of it. I don’t know what I thought I was looking at after the hour but the whole episode was disturbing. It’s almost as though if you look at something long enough you start to see the cracks in its reality. Just as well really that it was something as plain and simple as a stick I was staring at. I dread to think how I’d have felt if I’d sat staring at a sleeping baby or even worse, a meringue.

Sexual Dream About Stephen Fry Spreads

annman — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 20:30:42 +0000

I dreamt that Stephen Fry was molesting me in a vat. When I woke up I felt upset and called my friend to tell her. She knew someone who had the email address of Stephen Fry and got her to send him an email about it. I didn’t want Stephen Fry to know he molested me in my dreams. I didn’t need him to know about it.

The Simon Cowell Meat Old Woman Thing

annman — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 02:20:25 +0000

I saw an old woman who reminded of Simon Cowell when I was out walking recently . I thought this was really funny so I told her. She had no idea what I was talking about and called her son out from his basement. She asked me to explain what I had just told her. I told him his mother reminded me of Simon Cowell. He just stared at me. I told him again and he just stared at me. He didn’t say a word. It started to freak me out a little. He was about forty years old but looked as if his mother still dressed him. I said goodbye and the old woman told me she had bought too much meat that day and asked if I wanted to have the extra. I told her, “No. It feels weird to take your meat when I don’t know you.” Then the son starts to speak. “Simon Cowell is the name of a man,” he said. “The name of a man.”

I just ran away. I didn’t know what the hell was coming next.

Holidays And Bleeding

annman — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 02:12:38 +0000

Don’t ask. I can accept that when I go on holiday something might happen that makes me draw blood. An accident or whatever. I do not think it’s fair to go on holiday and end up bleeding heavily on four separate occasions.

Going On A Holiday

annman — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 22:31:28 +0000

Woo Hoo! Will try to get on to the internet while I’m away and let you know how it’s all going. Very excited about it all. Woo Hoo!

Male Rape Is Not Funny!!!

annman — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 12:35:17 +0000

What is it with comedians and male rape? Female rape, understandably, is not a subject that comes up much in comedy. Rape of the male variety however – - Comedy gold. You can’t watch a comedy these days that doesn’t involve a character going into a prison cell and some thirty stone monster looming over him and CUT. Next time we see the character he’s been raped and he’s walking funny. Hilarious!

Let me just say this comedians and comedy writers. Let’s say you were in the writers room of the Simpsons and all of a sudden all of the other writers turned around and gang-raped you. Do you think you’d find it so amusing then? You think you’d still find that funny walk so amusing? I think your views on it would change a little. I KNOW they would.

Playing The Disabled Wins You An Oscar? You Try It Buster

annman — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 15:35:08 +0000

So they say that if an actor wants to win an academy award they just need to play somone who is disabled in some way. Well, if you think it’s so easy, cynics, you try it. That’s right. You see if you can pretend to be disabled for a few hours and see how far it gets you. Trust me, I’ve tried it and it’s not easy. Let’s see if you cynics can…. let’s say…. go the police precinct, pretending to be disabled and tell them your bag was removed from your lap. Let’s see if those policemen give you an OSCAR or a night stick to the back of the skull. Pretending to be disabled is not easy and actors should get credit for pulling it off not the cynical treatment.